this blog is retarded

We have a few public service announcements this morning concerning stupidity, please stand by.

Pronunciation: \ri-ˈtär-dəd\
Function: adjective
Definition: slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress

Yes bunnies, its about to get ugly. Again.
Sometimes the word retarded is absolutely fitting in describing something or someone and is NOT meant to degrade or demean mentally challenged individuals. Like when I say "Cheesus, that shirt looks fucking retarded" because it is yellow striped and one is wearing it with pants that are too short. Or when at a bar and someone mentions religion, I might ask "You retard, don't you know its a sin to bring up god when wine is around?" Or when used to describe anything that comes out of Sarah Palin's mouth; thats another time one might use the word retarded, in excess probably.
In the above three examples we have: dress obviously slow in catching up to 2010, one idiot slow in remembering you do not speak of either religion or politics when alcohol is involved (a rule I have a hard time following myself and therefore fully accept said moniker for the moment in which I am poking dead things with sticks) and the last example is of extreme intellectual obstruction.
Ok, maybe not everything that comes out of her mouth is retarded, that might be me being mean (pollsters are still tabulating). I am sure she says some things in private to her family that are quite lovely and sound sane; but read a transcript of anything else (interviews are tres awesome) yea, uh, totally fucking retarded. She has some sort of Kryptonite-like substance blocking the formation of complete sentences or concise thoughts. When I listen to her speak and I watch people clap I wonder, "Are you all fucking retarded, what she just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in her rambling, incoherent response was she even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on all of your souls."
Transcripts, I am telling you, it's all in the transcripts.
Why you would be describing mentally challenged people by any sort of tag is sort of beyond me at this point. They are people. Just like you, just like me, just bent in a way we are not (and believe me, some of us are bent in far stranger ways). "That guy is white. That guy is Italian. That guy is mentally challenged." No assholes. "That guy's name is Jim" - anything else makes you sound... well, retarded.

So now, my point(s). If I ever had one (pollsters are currently suicidal).

Round 1 of the worst damn thing I have heard/seen in awhile:
There was a popular radio show on the other morning. The object of the game they were playing, was to figure out whether the callers (4 of them) were mentally handicap or just acting. The female host asks a series of questions and the callers answer and one by one she picks them off as either actors or mentally challenged. Now, in order to properly bitch, I listened to the entire damn thing, so I could be sure of what I was actually hearing, as it occured to me for a moment it might all be one big set up joke. But no. She eliminated all three actors and was down to the final caller, who ended up being mentally challenged. Good job, Scooby Doo, the mystery is solved. What was sad and convinced me this game was real, was that when she finally asked the last caller, he started to apologize to her like he had done something wrong or that it was bad that he was slower in getting his thoughts together. It was all so sadly subtle, even the tone of the co-hosts voice changed as he tried to make lighthearted jokes and get it all back to humorous (I, at no point, found any of it humorous), "We have a fabulous prize to give you for playing, thank you." I started to cry.
The caller wasn't retarded but that brainless chick asking the questions, the producers of the show, and any idiot listening who thought that was even remotely funny, sure as shit is.

We have far more problems in this country that need to be addressed that do not involve closed door cabinet meetings, where out of frustration, someone important yells something angrily in private that no one outside of that room was meant to hear in the first place. And that is all I am saying about that.

Round 2 of the worst damn thing I have heard/seen in awhile:
Animal Planet had a show on last night about some snake handler in Vegas, temporarily living in a big aquarium full of snakes, in which more snakes were added daily, end count somewhere around 75, or well, thats when I turned the show off. He was sleeping in a glass room with green mambas, diamond back rattlesnakes, coral snakes, poisonous poisonous your brains will leak out of your ears poisonous snakes, FOR WHAT?!??! FOR FUCKING WHAT?!?!?! It sort of went something like this (double the expletives, I tend to use the word fuck in groups of three when really irritated):
Whoa, what's this guy doing, did he just say he is sleeping in that box, are you fucking kidding me, who the fuck sleeps in a fucking box with a shitload of poisonous snakes! This fuck deserves to get bit, oh no, we are waiting to see this motherfucker get attacked, how fucking dumb do you have to be to get on TV? Can he not just teach us about fucking snakes like fucking Steve Irwin, why the fuck would someone choose to stay the night in a fucking small as fuck room with enough snakes to kill all of fucking Vegas? Those fucking snakes don't even want to be around each other, why the fuck would he want to spend multiple nights in that kind of fucking hostile environment, am I loosing my fucking mind here? This guy is a FUCKING RETARD!!!

Was hit twice this week.
Please sir, a drink.

(This is my formal apology to anyone who I may have offended for using the word retarded. I did not mean to anger you in any way. Yes, I fully agree I am childish; I recognize and work on that every day. I feel so guilty, cringing anytime it falls from my lips thinking, I am evolved, I can shed my troglodyte coat, I can do better than this, why did I use a word that may offend others, I don't run around using the N word, why would I run around using the R word. Furthermore, my rampant use today has given me an ulcer and I will probably attend Mass on Sunday to ask for forgiveness, even though I don't believe in redemption from a mythological figure in the sky. Oh my fucking gawd, I am sorry, and right now, apologize to all the religious people as well, for saying that or offending you in any way on account of perceived sarcasm that might have been dripping from that sentence. Also, while I am at it, I would like to apologize to Leah for ranting about inappropriate uses of flags two years ago, my mother for a head of gray hair, and my podiatrist who I never returned to see. Sorry, so utterly sorry for my incompetence as a human being.)

No comments:

Post a Comment