clove of garlic, thyme, and salt

There was a time, long ago, on a planet far far away, where the flesh of animals did not inhabit my refrigerator. Bunnies, deer, and very tiny little caterpillars flocked to my kitchen dancing to the chirping sounds of love birds, serenading our meat free/pro animal lifestyle. We dined with racoons. I am godmother to a squirrel. I once helped gnaw a tree down to help a widowed beaver build a dam. I have delivered baby cats at 3am and helped their mother lick them clean of afterbirth.


After seven years, all that bullshit ended and it will never be returned to as long as there is someone willing to package my chicken, fish, cow, pig, and badger in easily identifiable portions of mandible yumminess. It is not that I formed a hatred for my friends of fur, I just got hungry again for a tuna fish sandwich. And every other kind of meat you can think of. I fucking LOVE steak. Bloody, bleeding raw on my plate almost, indeed if we were to pass by a farm I just might run like mad out of the car and bite a cow on the ass purely on instinct. Survival. If panda was the last thing on earth to eat, you bet your ass I would be firing up the grill. Get your mercury-infused dolphin sushi ready Japan, I am on - my - way.
BUT, if I were forced to hunt my own food, it would have to be cannibalism all the way. Humans would be the easiest meat to catch and I have little love loss for people in general. For me it serves dual purpose. In fact, if you want to ensure your personal survival, I suggest never inviting me over and not serving snacks.


Grilling is the only way I think you can eat human flesh for several reasons. First, I am not sure what it smells like cooking but if it is bad, then cooking it outdoors (even the first time) saves you from nausea and OCD twitching, episodic repeats. Secondly, a good char on the outside always helps to make the meat so fucking tasty and almost unrecognizable (let's face it, there WILL be a 'holy shit I am eating people' hump to get over and the more that foot doesn't look like a foot, well.... your stomach and head will thank you later as you pick your teeth clean with a metatarsal, enjoying a relaxing after dinner scotch and bourbon fireside). Lastly, there is BBQ sauce and marinade. Do you realize how many options you have for flavor - its like virtually ENDLESS.

I think I may need a muffin.