Kid A: Today I found out the dinosaurs at the Science Center, they're not real. As I suspected.
I asked a Camp Counselor "Are those dinosaur bones real?". He said no. They are just plaster casts.
[whispers]
It just like Santa Claus. All lies.
Showing posts with label byproducts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label byproducts. Show all posts
6.30.2011
5.17.2011
3.22.2011
Dentist
Kid A: Ever since I watched Cast Away I don't mind the dentist so much. As long as I never have to knock my own tooth out with an ice skate, I'm good to go.
2.24.2011
Launch Traffic
Kid B: Why is traffic so bad?
Me: Everyone and their Mother-in-Law is headed to the coast to see the Space Shuttle today.
Kid B: Why does the Mother-in-Law have to go?
Kid A: She wants to see the launch toooooooo.
:|
1.26.2011
10.27.2010
i do, actually.
Me: Why are you taking a stuffed penguin to school?
Kid B: Why AREN'T YOU taking a stuffed penguin to work?!?
Me: ....
Kid B: See.
: |
Kid B: Why AREN'T YOU taking a stuffed penguin to work?!?
Me: ....
Kid B: See.
: |
9.21.2010
gum
Kid B: Can we stop at (pharmacy); I need to get tampons.
Me: Sure.
Kid A: Can I get some gum?
Me: Sure. But you have to go in together and get some paper towels too. I'll wait in the car.
Kid A/B: Ok.
(ATM card surrendered: 15 minutes later byproducts emerge)
Me: What's that?
Kid A: Gum! 60 pieces!
Me: Wait. Where's your bag? Did you get tampons? Where are the paper towels? You only bought gum?! Are you kidding me, go back in!
Kid B: There was a hot guy in there!
Me: Go back in!
Kid A/B: We can't!
Me: Wait until he leaves then buy the damn tampons!
Kid A/B: He's the cashier!
...
Kid A: He looks like Kurt Cobain. We can't buy tampons from Kurt Cobain.
: |
8.29.2010
In Nelson's Voice from The Simpsons
Kid A: (shows scar on her arm in the shape of a cross)
Kid B: Haha. You're spawn of the Lord.
Kid B: Haha. Jesus loves you.
: |
8.19.2010
summer bio dad visit : act one
Me: So, how was your visit sweet pea, what did you guys do?
Kid A and Kid B: (laughter)
Me: What?
Kid B: We hung out, sort of, waiting to come home.
Me: Did you get to see your dad?
Kid A: Yea. And Mrs. [stepmom]. (laughter)
Me: What?
Kid B: Every day she would come in and ask me if she could have her ipod charger back. I told her it was mine and hers was in the kitchen. Every day, same thing. I considered switching it with my jacked up one before I left but thought that might be too much.
Kid A: (sing songy) Too muuuuuuuch!
Kid B: She wouldn't have noticed. It all started when she tried to take my cell phone. I wasn't even texting a bunch, just to you.
Me: Is that why you suddenly said you had to go that one night?
Kid B: Yes. She said, "If you don't stop texting I will take your phone away." I said, "No you won't. This is my phone, my mother pays the bill. You aren't going to touch it." I kind of decided then, this was going to have to be a game.
Kid A: (laughter) A GAME!!
Kid B: She told me I couldn't take more than one shower a day and no longer than 15 minutes long.
Kid A: (sing songy) So what did you doooooo?!
Kid B: I told her I was going to go take a shower and I walked off. She has a bad memory, it was my second shower of the day.
Me: Did you need another shower?
Kid B: No. But she told me I couldn't.
Kid A: (sing songy) Tell her how many showers you took a daaaaay!
Kid B: As many as I could. One day I took five. (laughter) I just kept saying "I didn't take a shower today" and she believed me.
Me: Oh my god.
Kid B: I went to the refrigerator once and got a piece of lettuce for a snack.
Kid A: (sing songy) One pieeeeece!
Kid B: A little while later, I got another piece. She said, "What are you eating, that's OUR lettuce." I said, "Yes. It IS OUR lettuce." [hand movement indicating her and her sister] Then before I left, I put a bunch of juice boxes in my bag.
Kid A: (laughter)
Me: What for?
Kid B: Because I wanted to take the juice boxes! I would also open juice boxes and not drink them on purpose. They have no more juice now. She has to buy more.
Kid A: (sing songy) There's no more juuuuuice!
Kid B: I cursed too.
Me: YOU CURSED!?!
Kid B: Near the end, it was a lot.
Kid A: (Sing songy) We should beeeeeeat her!
Kid B: I was the queen.
Me: (shaking head) What have I done.
Kid A: (laughter) Created creative thinkers! Hooooorrrrraaaay!
Kid B: If they expected rudeness would fly, especially after a year of not seeing us (long pause) no. All she had to be was nice. She made her choice. I made mine.
Kid A and Kid B: (laughter)
Me: What?
Kid B: We hung out, sort of, waiting to come home.
Me: Did you get to see your dad?
Kid A: Yea. And Mrs. [stepmom]. (laughter)
Me: What?
Kid B: Every day she would come in and ask me if she could have her ipod charger back. I told her it was mine and hers was in the kitchen. Every day, same thing. I considered switching it with my jacked up one before I left but thought that might be too much.
Kid A: (sing songy) Too muuuuuuuch!
Kid B: She wouldn't have noticed. It all started when she tried to take my cell phone. I wasn't even texting a bunch, just to you.
Me: Is that why you suddenly said you had to go that one night?
Kid B: Yes. She said, "If you don't stop texting I will take your phone away." I said, "No you won't. This is my phone, my mother pays the bill. You aren't going to touch it." I kind of decided then, this was going to have to be a game.
Kid A: (laughter) A GAME!!
Kid B: She told me I couldn't take more than one shower a day and no longer than 15 minutes long.
Kid A: (sing songy) So what did you doooooo?!
Kid B: I told her I was going to go take a shower and I walked off. She has a bad memory, it was my second shower of the day.
Me: Did you need another shower?
Kid B: No. But she told me I couldn't.
Kid A: (sing songy) Tell her how many showers you took a daaaaay!
Kid B: As many as I could. One day I took five. (laughter) I just kept saying "I didn't take a shower today" and she believed me.
Me: Oh my god.
Kid B: I went to the refrigerator once and got a piece of lettuce for a snack.
Kid A: (sing songy) One pieeeeece!
Kid B: A little while later, I got another piece. She said, "What are you eating, that's OUR lettuce." I said, "Yes. It IS OUR lettuce." [hand movement indicating her and her sister] Then before I left, I put a bunch of juice boxes in my bag.
Kid A: (laughter)
Me: What for?
Kid B: Because I wanted to take the juice boxes! I would also open juice boxes and not drink them on purpose. They have no more juice now. She has to buy more.
Kid A: (sing songy) There's no more juuuuuice!
Kid B: I cursed too.
Me: YOU CURSED!?!
Kid B: Near the end, it was a lot.
Kid A: (Sing songy) We should beeeeeeat her!
Kid B: I was the queen.
Me: (shaking head) What have I done.
Kid A: (laughter) Created creative thinkers! Hooooorrrrraaaay!
Kid B: If they expected rudeness would fly, especially after a year of not seeing us (long pause) no. All she had to be was nice. She made her choice. I made mine.
5.22.2010
bi-posers
Kid A: I don't understand why guys like bisexual girls so much; I don't get it.
Me: It's because girls are much prettier to look at than guys.
Kid A: Yea. But half the girls that claim to be bi are only saying they are because they know guys like it. It's retarded. They're just bi-posers.
:|
Me: It's because girls are much prettier to look at than guys.
Kid A: Yea. But half the girls that claim to be bi are only saying they are because they know guys like it. It's retarded. They're just bi-posers.
:|
5.04.2010
...on her sister's new haircut
Kid A: You are so adorable, I just want to punch you in the face every time I look at you! That hair cut is so freaking amazing. It's like you are the cutest human alive and so I have to balance things out. Totally adorable hair but sorry, you are going to have to deal with a new black eye.
:)
:)
4.22.2010
If you can find it, you can use it.
Kid B: It's like Narnia in here. Jesus Christ, I can't find anything in your purse, Mom. "Can I borrow the lip gloss, Mom?" "If you can find it, you can use it." You have another bag in here, are you kidding me? Is the lip gloss inside a box, inside this bag?
Kid A: And inside that box, before you get to the lip gloss, there is another box and inside THAT box.... is a key.
Kid B: And you have to take that key, to the middle of the woods with the dragon, who is sitting on another box and inside that box, it isn't the lip gloss, no it's.... a clue.
(pause)
Kid B: Ridiculous.
: /
Kid A: And inside that box, before you get to the lip gloss, there is another box and inside THAT box.... is a key.
Kid B: And you have to take that key, to the middle of the woods with the dragon, who is sitting on another box and inside that box, it isn't the lip gloss, no it's.... a clue.
(pause)
Kid B: Ridiculous.
: /
2.19.2010
disease and monikers
Kid A: I'm not a hugger. At school, the people, they are always trying to give you a hug. I don't want to hug. I am always afraid of getting some cold or some disease or some hug herpes or something. Sorry, no hugs. Except Saxon. I hug Saxon.
Me: Who is Saxon?
Kid B: The guy who gave you Brian AIDs?
Kid A: No thats Josh.
Kid B: He's a supercreeper.
Kid A: Yea. Saxon is Julian the Douchebag's twin.
Kid B: Oh. That guy.
: |
Me: Who is Saxon?
Kid B: The guy who gave you Brian AIDs?
Kid A: No thats Josh.
Kid B: He's a supercreeper.
Kid A: Yea. Saxon is Julian the Douchebag's twin.
Kid B: Oh. That guy.
: |
2.09.2010
After School Special: Cursing
Kid B: [kid speak kid speak school friend name kid speak kid speak] shit [kid speak friend name kid speak]
Me: You know, you sound more eloquent when you manage to replace cursing with words that mean the same thing. You are intelligent. Work on choosing better words, will you? You are going to slip up in the wrong place and I am going to laugh when you get in trouble. It's going to be funny even though I will be mildly embarrassed because it is a reflection on my parenting. Man. Don't make me look bad. Just because I don't yell at you or freak out for cursing doesn't mean every environment is like that, remember that. You can't curse at Grandma's, or anyone else's house, in fact what am I thinking, don't curse at all anywhere, nowhere outside of the yard, no, the house and if no one else is here then thats fine but not a lot. I tell you things like there are no bad words, because there aren't, I mean, come on, how can a word be bad; there are just BETTER words we can use always; this is not license to fly off at the mouth.
* random cat runs right in the front of the car *
Me: FUCK!
* brakes applied - disaster averted *
Me: An appropriate and legitimate use of the word Fuck.
Kid B: I absolutely agree.
: |
Me: You know, you sound more eloquent when you manage to replace cursing with words that mean the same thing. You are intelligent. Work on choosing better words, will you? You are going to slip up in the wrong place and I am going to laugh when you get in trouble. It's going to be funny even though I will be mildly embarrassed because it is a reflection on my parenting. Man. Don't make me look bad. Just because I don't yell at you or freak out for cursing doesn't mean every environment is like that, remember that. You can't curse at Grandma's, or anyone else's house, in fact what am I thinking, don't curse at all anywhere, nowhere outside of the yard, no, the house and if no one else is here then thats fine but not a lot. I tell you things like there are no bad words, because there aren't, I mean, come on, how can a word be bad; there are just BETTER words we can use always; this is not license to fly off at the mouth.
* random cat runs right in the front of the car *
Me: FUCK!
* brakes applied - disaster averted *
Me: An appropriate and legitimate use of the word Fuck.
Kid B: I absolutely agree.
: |
2.02.2010
in no other way
[pulling car into driveway, very large, black bird impedes forward progression]
Me: Whoa, thats a big bird.
Kid A: Thats a crow, a sign of bad luck.
Me: No it isn't.
Kid A: Thats a raven, it means impending doom.
Me: No, it doesn't.
Kid A: It means bad omens are on the way.
Kid A: It means there is a curse being laid.
Kid A: It means total destruction is in our future.
Me: IT DOES NOT!!
Kid A: (to bird) You can kill me emotionally but in no other way.
: |
Me: Whoa, thats a big bird.
Kid A: Thats a crow, a sign of bad luck.
Me: No it isn't.
Kid A: Thats a raven, it means impending doom.
Me: No, it doesn't.
Kid A: It means bad omens are on the way.
Kid A: It means there is a curse being laid.
Kid A: It means total destruction is in our future.
Me: IT DOES NOT!!
Kid A: (to bird) You can kill me emotionally but in no other way.
: |
1.25.2010
her jam
Kid B: Turn on some music! [drawn out whining for absolute dramatic effect]
Me: Ok, ok... chill kid.
*set radio dial to local college radio station: 1930's jazz playing*
Kid B: This is my jam! [begins to do cabbage patch and raise the roof]
: |
Me: Ok, ok... chill kid.
*set radio dial to local college radio station: 1930's jazz playing*
Kid B: This is my jam! [begins to do cabbage patch and raise the roof]
: |
Nah. I'll adopt.
Kid A: Having kids dosen't even sound like fun. Swollen ankles, puking your guts out every morning, your body is ruined for ever, and then some baby comes tear-assing out of your uterus.
Nah. I'll adopt.
Score: population control.
Nah. I'll adopt.
Score: population control.
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