How vast you are. So great. So big. In the span of time it took to write this sentence, you quadrupled in size (mostly due to an increase in porn). So chock full of information and able to help us in t-minus three seconds if need be (if the connection isn’t running on a 56K modem, in which case, well, you should be shot at this point, troglodyte). Want to go to Cairo, BAM, you are there (likelihood of getting lost = 85%, you are not perfect internet but fuck it, you TRY). You never get boring for you are growing faster than any one of us can keep up; the erection that just won't quit, lookie there, you're sporting another two inches - FUN!
How you provide endless amounts of entertainment. You have clown porn and online scrabble. You combine sharks and tigers in a zoo of Chaotic Insanity. Where can I see 300,000 photos of cats fighting - only on you, internet. Your giggles and WTF viewing moments have sustained my scattered brain for over a decade. I buy your year pass at a discount for Florida residents. I would even pay full price, you are that amazing. How can I deny your loveliness? I can’t. Sold.
You connect the unconnectable. I can talk to a man in Argentina about how to fix my toilet and a woman in Germany about erotica for penguins. I can buy crazy purses at a discount and learn how to resurface my wood floors with a toothbrush. You reach such great heights. You pave the way to glory and glory holes. If only you could do my laundry and dishes, we might fuck until the sun came up; or at least until I got electrocuted. I would go there for you, Internet, I would go there. for. you.