25 Things I am positively NOT going to do this weekend
(Friday Afternoon Work Procrastination Edition)
1. Rape anything organic.
2. Sing a song of sixpence.
3. Wrestle an alligator in a bikini.
4. Get a tattoo.
5. Fluff things (porn actors included).
6. Publish the cure for cancer.
7. Build a sacrificial alter in the likeness of Rob Pilatus.
8. Incubate or spit a byproduct out of my vagina.
9. Do the electric slide.
10. Buy any genetically modified animals.
11. Run for political office inside of the United States.
12. Use my super powers for good.
13. Steal anything with a label.
14. Drive my car off a bridge or into a wall.
15. Herd cats.
16. Use my incisors to tear into meat.
17. File bankruptcy.
18. Return the monkey.
19. Email anyone with the first name Jack or Jill.
20. Start a revolution.
21. Watch The Housewives of Beverly Hills.
22. Drool on my pillow.
24. Shred documents vital to the continued stability of Parliament.
25. Be sad.
25 directly correlated ideas I am not positively ruling out as activities during the next 72 hours.
(Friday Afternoon Still Procrastinating Work Edition)
1. Fondle produce in the supermarket.
2. Fill my pocket full of rye.
3. Play UNO while lying naked on a bear skin rug.
4. Tag something with my new Graffiti artist name: Pookie Vajayjay.
5. Dip myself in oil; roll in feathers.
6. Write a grocery list.
7. Fantasize that Milli Vanilli is still together and booked to play my 37th birthday party.
8. Masturbate furiously and frequently.
9. Shark Mop my floors and then pull a Tom Cruise Risky Business move in my socks.
10. Grill steak.
11. Chart my advancement possibilities within the Canadian government.
12. Use my super powers for evil.
13. Steal a pair of something.
14. Take the city bus.
15. Wrangle teenagers.
16. Smile at a stranger.
17. File my nails.
18. Write a short story about my internet order, half-off deal, live monkey.
19. Post to my blog.
20. Start a fire (but not in a forest).
21. Watch The Housewives of Atlanta.
22. Drool on Husbandvestment's pillow.
23. Make Jello Shots.
24. Dance and Sing to Album: The Queen is Dead.
25. Be happy.