Dedicated to my five beautiful mother friends out there, so very, very close to my heart, who are right now raising the awakened minds of our evolving nation. These beautiful mothers who have birthed, are teaching, raising and are on the back NINE, your kids approaching independence and you approaching midlife. These beautiful mothers who suddenly and without cause, collectively have had a stroke of biological clock countdown baby-mania.
When I use the word stroke, we are not talking epiphany like Einstein or genius like Da Vanci; we are referring to drooling 90 year old man, peeing his pants, brain shut the fuck down in a few key rationalization regions and if you think for a second I am going to allow in this crippled instance for your uterus, my doe eyed goddesses of peace and harmony, to be conquered by some invasive-ass, heat seeking missle sperm, you will find me on top of the mountain, with my picket sign and bullhorn, because I got at least 10 reasons : right here, right now : that will remind you why: Babies Fucking Suck.
10. They only smell good for a few days.
Like meat gone bad, these foul smelling creatures start to reek up the place shortly after you bring them home. They shit constantly because they eat constantly. Three years of feces and urine handling. That's over 1,000 days, after which you unwillingly become a biohazard expert having added in an endless, uncontrollable amount of snot and puke. Everywhere. On everything. Now it all smells.
9. They carry disease.
Rodents spread less germs. Since they mouth everything, you can count on removing any number of bizarre and disgusting things from their jaws. It will be covered in saliva and oh crap, gag reflex: See 10. I knew a woman who screamed uncontrollably watching in horror as her tiny daughter gummed a small, angry, live snake, refusing to surrender it. A snake. In her mouth. And she liked it enough to fight to keep it.
Your only true defense is putting them inside a bubble, in a secluded wing of the hospital, where everything it comes in contact with has undergone a five step process to make it sterile.
They catch every cold, and sickness carried on the wind. Their immune systems hold weekly tea parties, welcoming in new forms of bacteria and virus. Come. Stay. Make everyone else in the house sick.
Your 102° fever battling their 104° fever, changing puke soaked sheets at 3am in a hallucinogenic haze of insomnia. Now, do it again. And, again.
Fuck you. Again.
8. They break easily.
Hold the baby very carefully, oh shit don't touch its soft spot, fuck this umbilical cord is awkward, holy shit wobbly loose neck head, must purchase the protected from any danger you can possibly imagine (and we come up with more everyday) car seat/stroller/playpen/crib/highchair/seat/toy/______, oh my god its scratching its face again get the nail clippers and mittens, is the bath water/food too hot/cold, what's this rash, is that dry skin or scales, it's snotting again, fuck not again with the puke, oh hold still please while I clean your everything, no kicking no kicking, don't wriggle off anything, fall out of anything, what's in its mouth again, its choking, oh geez it hit itself with something, it rolled on something, it fell on something, it walked into something, lock the cabinets, cushion the corners, protect the sockets, get rid of anything metal or glass, no sharp objects below 4 feet, we need a vehicle with more airbags, oh my god get out the bubble....
Take your eyes off it for 3 seconds and it will have broken itself, somehow whether spontaneously or otherwise.
You watch it. Constantly. Even when it sleeps, to make sure its still somehow miraculously breathing.
And if you are lucky to have this fucking scientifically intricate cellular miracle fall asleep safe and sound, have fun trying to rest yourself, waking to a daily pre-coffee panic attack in front of a live studio audience game of how long has it been awake totally unsupervised.
7. They don't have a mute button.
They cry. Loud. All the time. All hours of the day and night. In the middle of anything. Sometimes they don't stop. Sometimes for unknown reasons. They do not care to stop, even if you ask them to stop. Or beg them to stop. They don't give a shit. And until you figure out a precise set of Mensa written, 23rd level wizard spells in a foreign language, they continue to not give a shit. Even then, when the code has finally been broken and the puzzles solved, sometimes, they still, fucking loudly, fucking cry.
6. They are anti everything.
They won't let you have normal phone calls. They are anti TV and movie watching. They are anti reading. They are anti cooking. They are anti eating. They are anti cleaning. They are anti shower/bath taking - your own and theirs. They are anti public establishment. They are anti meetings and appointments. They are anti socializing.
They are selfish nihilists and now because of them, you are too. In a short amount of time, you just hate, the world.
5. They turn your brain into oatmeal.
You relearn the basics of life: colors, letters, numbers, your face contorted into a frozen lobotomized smile, glossy eyed, singing a set of catchy mind numbing songs now permanently burned into your psyche, entering your dreams unannounced and dropping your IQ (on average over the span of the first two years) 65 points.
4. They cost a lot of money.
Exponential yearly requirement of money for upkeep may eventually bankrupt and destroy you.
3. They are non-returnable.
Remember when you had a few bottles of wine at that dinner party with friends and laughed until two in the morning?
Remember when you woke up at 10am on a Saturday and took an hour to lazily get out of bed?
Remember when you went to the movies? That cool concert? That beautiful play?
Remember when you took a bubble bath?
Remember the last full nights worth of sleep you got? Or that nap you took?
Remember the last time you bought yourself a new outfit, got a pedicure, colored your hair, got your nails done?
Remember that romantic weekend vacation you took out of town?
That was all before fucking babies came along.
2. They stretch, fatten, loosen, distort and morph your body in some irreversible manner just by incubating and birthing them.
I sneeze, pee my pants, upset my sciatic nerve and then just, cry. Fucking, hell.
1. They change everything.
Your comfortable routine, the life you knew, silently flutters away like a derailed train full of hyenas.
With each new baby, you hit reset. All the rules in the game change, get more complex and take double the amount of time to get used to.
Back to start for you; do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00 and oh wait - surprise! It's twins.