Reasons why I am an Asshole. June 2010 edition.

1. Known to bite, wrestle, punch, poke, karate kick, imitate dinosaurs, rabid dogs and tigers, while licking and drooling on unsuspecting people at varying moments throughout the day/night.
2. Will purposely not pour myself a drink, just so I can reach for yours. And finish it. And laugh.
3. Steals. Hats, boxer shorts, decrepit old sweaters.
4. Likes to blow hard into your mouth when you think you are going to get a kiss. Hilarious.
5. Laughs at pain; your pain, twice as much.
6. Would make you wait for dinner if sudden urge to clean kitchen baseboards was too overwhelming.
7. Does not allow ownership of anything covered in patterns of dots.
8. Stays up way too late, gets bored, will occasionally wake you up for company figuring your 11pm-2am rest time a good enough nap, OLe!
9. Weekdays, as good as weekends for debauchery, fuck your 8am meeting, that's what coffee is for fool.
10. 3am scientific experiments and backyard urban development planning.
11. Hates your dog.
12. Would annihilate 98% of the population if given the resources.
13. Could be resourceful enough if procrastination wasn't so much fun.
14. Will flake or bail on plans 50% of the time for no reason what so ever.
15. Lies. Not because I have to but because its good practice in creative thinking.
16. Makes you wait in anticipation, of nothing, because its the waiting that is fun. At least, I think it is so you must as well.
17. Pretty much assumes you all think the same way I do, unless I deem you do not, in which case, have some cyanide. Just kidding. Not really.
18. Jokes, you never know. Laughter, never a clue.
19. Distracted by shiny things, hardly ever finishes
20. Argues incessantly.
21. Asinine rules reset every 24 hours.
22. Wanders in a daydream state so often fiction melds with reality, causing me to pick random fights about something that never actually happened.
23. Fights to win, with bricks if necessary, cheating always an option.
24. Requests the procurement of bizarre items with no personal intention of ever owning such, purpose being only to beg for something I know I will never have.
25. Can, have and will play one song on repeat... for more than 48 hours. Straight. Loud.
26. Ninja tendencies.
27. At some point in friendship will ask you to wear an animal costume and make you feel so bad for saying no, you'll agree to do it twice.
28. Still hates your fucking dog.

1 comment:

  1. I would hate my dog, too... if she wasn't MY dog. I hate cats. Cats BLOW... But, I still make cutesy little noises at them every time I see one.

    The 50% in # 14, is actually 75%, and you know it.

    I agree with the rest... move along.