If envy is a sin then let me spread that shit all over my newly shaved legs, baybee.

Everywhere I look there are products with green tea in them. The lotion on my desk, labeled Green Tea, somehow makes it much more potent of a lotion, than the grapefruit lotion I have in my desk. “Green Tea lotion: When you REALLY want to moisturize, trust nothing else.” It’s a damn good thing I don’t work at an Ad Agency, geez.

So, I was thinking, I want to be the first person who finds healing properties in something previously unknown. Here is my very elaborate plan. I am going to start ingesting everything. In a controlled format, mind you. I may be no scientist but I do know how to conduct a proper experiment.
At some point, I have to stumble on something that heals or makes me feel better, right?
I think today, I will ingest some of my desk. Wouldn’t that be great, if round one of my experiments turned out to be my holy grail? Then you all can buy new hand lotion with DESK added – “When my skin is dry, I reach for Lotion with Desk Additive.”
Delusional or Genius? It’s your call.

It just occurred to me that I have Scientist Envy, which is pretty cool, because before I had penis envy, and this is an easier disorder to feed for sure. I had toyed with the idea of making a stuffed detachable penis for the longest time – you know, with like Velcro on the end, so I could whip it off at any moment I felt the need to smack someone in the jaw with it, but then there were the issues with whether to make it flaccid or stiff and I just gave up. Scientist envy fits better with the 2010 Jules Model anyways.


  1. get out of my head. how do you know my thoughts and once secret desires...

  2. I knew I wasn't the only person to think about ingesting desks. My, my... kin.