Rabbit and the Story of the Shredded ATM card

It's a rough life for my husband
huurah hurrah
It's a borked life for my husband
If he doesn't gut me with a spoon
I'm sure to raise his blood pressure soon
It's a fucked like for my husband

New song by the Furry Pterodactyls.
"You Have No Friends because You have Gingivitis" Album release party July 2012.

So here is what sorta happened. Sorta in the sense that it happened but probably my recollection of events is a tad skewed on account of me being what they call in certain circles, off (not like bad eggs), but that's just some over educated, palm pilot using, lab-coaters opinion. My friend Sarah thinks I am quite nice and smell pleasant, thank you Sarah.
This past weekend, in a fit of I am not sure, I somehow managed to shred my ATM card. By shred, I mean cut up into a hundred small pieces and slivers with an industrial pair of scissors that could probably cut through fingers though I have never tried this trick because I am not a magician and fingers cost money to sew back on, money I don't have. Yet (anyone have a lighter and want to make a bet?).
It went a little like this:

Illogical Wife: "I'll cut my ATM card up."
Logical Husband: "Don't do that I will just hold on to it then when you want it back, I will give it back to you."
Illogical Wife: (slides card over)
Illogical Wife: "I'll fucking cut it up, I swear to fucking god."
Logical Husband: "Come on, let's be reasonable."
Logical Husband: (slides card back)
Illogical Wife: "I'll fucking cut it up, I swear to fucking god!"
Illogical Wife: (throws card at husband)
[Silence - Minutes Pass - Assumed Manic Episode Logically Over Based on Past Manic Episodes - Result Should Involve Tears and Sorry's]
Logical Husband: (slides card back)
Illogical Wife: (leaps off bed, sprints to kitchen)
Logical Husband: (calmly follows to watch)
Curious Kids: "What's mom doing?"
Logical Husband: "Being mom."

He's a saint, I tell you.
Protecting the rest of the world, I tell you.
This kinda makes him Superman.
I make make him a cape, stay tuned.

Shredding ones ATM card is a very stupid thing to do. I almost ran out of gas, because I had no card. Every day for the last week, I have eaten lunch from a vending machine with change from my car or starved, I have not been able to purchase JACK SHIT, you get it, done, over.
Compounding this problem: I cannot call to get myself another card. Not because I am physically unable to but mentally, I cannot. Why is this you ask (no one is asking)? Because doing so acknowledges that I am an uber psycho retard in need of a cage. Please refer back to prior sentence referencing one, "Sarah".
So a big thank you to Heather, my coworker and blessed savior, who just happens to have a husband at the same bank, that was able to forward me a new card after she called him and explained the situation.
Complete with tears of hilarity, pointed right at me.

I am here for your amusement.
It's what I do. It's my job.
It's cool; much love.

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