Hello Blog. The crack, sometimes it just gets in the way of PRODUCTION. oh. no.
When I choose not to write it isn't because I have nothing to say; I have too much and the flood of thoughts makes my keyboard kryptonite. Mar.
Speaking of ark building, it is being managed by some interesting RX planks these days but we will get to that some other time. The verdict is still out on this one, Jury, my Jury(!).
We are buying a house, Hubbasaurus Rex and I. Holy crap. A house to hop around in, where if I break the floor, I CAN patch it up with duct tape and no one can say SHIT or hold onto my deposit for repairs. And other such things. Like bright orange paint and striped hallways (hoping that sentence was wearing a Cloak of Invisibility).
After having looked at several potentials, we've pursued "the one": donated DNA, bone marrow, blood, first-borns and so many printed copies of paperwork, that the hippie in me feels sad for being responsible for the equivalent of cutting down at least 10 trees. We are infiltrating the fold by moving further into the suburbs, where I will suspect many more of my neighbors committing foul, foul acts in extra wide garages. Trimmed hedges in the shapes of BMWs. A vampiric HOA with Security Guard syndrome. I am totally out of place but can play this role and even get used to it. Love it. Debating buying one of those two seater golf carts, to ride over to the Country Club on Saturdays, dressed in a tennis outfit (fuck the racquet though), martini in hand (extra olives). 10am. I am a late riser but a lifer. Hell. This MAY be fucking heaven. Scratch all of that. Give me my apron and Martha Stewart magazines, I GOT THIS.
Besides. I live with John Fucking Barrymore. Bathrobe wearing motherfucker.
In our colorful search we have come to understand better, the terminology associated with housing for sale.
For your future or current aide:
Pond view actually means: Ditch in the front or backyard.
Handyman special actually means: You will need to gut the place or burn it down and rebuild.
Unoccupied actually means: There will be dead roaches everywhere, be careful where you step.
Needs TLC actually means: Walk gently so your foot doesn't go through the floor.
Natural beauty actually means: Dirt in place of grass, hedges look like trees, vines are now making their way INTO the house.
Rustic beauty actually means: Old ass fixtures/appliances or miles from anything you need (hospital, store). Spiders. Rats.
Colorful neighborhood actually means: Rednecks, cars on blocks, houses painted weird colors, piles of junk everywhere.
Charming actually means: Appliances pre date 1970, wallpaper. Lots of it.
Modern actually means: Early 90s cookie cutter, lazy architect, non-licensed contractor, may not withstand 25mph winds.
One owner actually means: Someone just died in the house or has been sent to a retirement facility (see Unoccupied).
Great schools actually means: No one has been murdered in this neighborhood in the past year.
Quirky actually means: We took the garage and made it into 5 closet-sized bedrooms, in a maze pattern with a sink somewhere in the middle you will have to hook up to your water supply, if you want but you dont have to.
Unique actually means: See above.
In-law apartment actually means: There's a bed in the tool shed out back.
Spare bathroom actually means: A toilet and sink in the garage.
Urban living actually means: Ghetto (see Colorful neighborhood).
Zero lot line actually means: When you open up your bedroom window its going to hit the next house. If you spit out of your bathroom window, it will land in your neighbors kitchen. Hope you use public transportation or a bike because there is parking for only 1/4 a car.
We have none of these. We have big red front door, move-in ready with a pool and garden which we have come to understand is described simply as MONEY.
Now on to packing the old house up in boxes.
May stack and use them to create an indoor maze.
I dig on the idea of giant rats, just not real ones.