God damn stab-y dreams. Wake up in a panic thinking 'holy shit where is my shank!', fists balled up wanting to punch my poor adorable husband in the face.
Love is assuming the woman you married will either 1. Give you a stress induced heart-attack within 5 years or 2. Turn sociopath and stab you in the middle of the night for not putting the dishes away, but still go through the 'I do' paperwork then put her on your life insurance policy. I still wish I had some kidnapping and shake down money in a safety deposit box, just in case. He's working on it, you know, because we plan on one day going to head chopping Mexico for a visit as I want a zebra striped donkey so bad, I can't even let the dream die for a day (Totally think "Visit Head Chopping Mexico!" should be a new marketing campaign considered to increase tourism to the area; maybe make a deal with local drug lords that "cross your heart, hope to die" only natives heads will roll down streets or be perched on doorsteps. There could be a danger tour to the acid tanks or back alley prostitution parades, I have all kinds of worldly ideas, someone please give me a little influence, who's dick do you have to suck to get some shit done around here? Why can't everywhere be like Hollywood. Sad.).
I have to be prepared for every scenario. That's all I'm getting at. Tonight in fact, I think I am going to take a few plastic cups into my bathroom and make real shanks with only a book of matches, those cups and the toilet seat. TV teaches me all kinds of good knowledge I need to put into real world practice should the recall arise. If it is filed away, I only need to tell my head secretary to go to the cabinet for retrieval. This evades most but critical in the event my kidneys or jugular are ever to be at stake. You never know. Just look at Casey Anthony. Poor child spent 3 years behind bars and was completely innocent!
Sorry. Bitter. Someone shank me, not for my extreme sarcasm, but for mentioning her name at all, I hate everyone of you who ever interrupted my "Did you hear what's going on in ________ country" conversation starter for "No, but Casey Anthony licked a toad when she was 8 + an asshole at 18, and they think its linked to her kid killing habits, did you know a zebra striped donkey might be THE FATHER?!". You did this to me. Watch your backs in the shower, is all I am saying.
Other things on my to learn list:
How to make a working zip gun.
How to throw a spear (desert island scenario).
Proper shark punching techniques.
Foraging for berries and nuts that will not rot my intestines out.
Sewing up a major gash using sinew and a wooden needle.
How to properly battle the Decepticons (fuck you, it could happen)
Shank: its my new word of the week.
I'll shank a badger, just for fun.
I'll shank your mom, my cake ain't done.