It's a funny thing, whenever I have had to move, my houses have always been swarmed by some sort of bug. Once it was mosquitos, the next grasshoppers, then moths, another tiny ants, and this one, the mother of all bug fears for me, palmetto bugs. My girlfriend says it is the bad energy being released and that I should expect such each and every time. Flying fucking cockroaches, coming in from outside, every night now and I am spraying chemicals so much and everywhere I am almost sure one of the cats or kids might die soon.
So. This has been my world but fuck it we have one more night in this house of poison, at the time of this writing; we close on the new one tomorrow and FUCK if I am sleeping in Creepsville any longer.
Setting. 1:30am. AM.
My husband has been asleep for about 2 hours. I have just taken my sleeping pill and it's kicking in, making me drowsy, aw sweet slumber, I am becoming mush in the blanketyness love... but then I hear something. A rustling. My eyes pop open. And I know. I know wtf that sound is and I know if I do not attend to this, if I don't look over for confirmation at least, I will be somehow attacked in the middle of the night. Possibly eaten. More likely mangled beyond recognition.
I cannot bear to wake my poor tired husband up, oh no. Let him sleep, I can do this, I can totally do this, I GOT IT HANDLED (he is usually called upon for these types of tasks). I peak over his side of the bed and sure as shit, on the floor, is a bastard fucking palmetto bug. I can't wake him. I have to do this. Be strong. So I grab a shoe. I steady myself and with all my might, like a fucking super hero, I LEAP over his sleeping body, right onto the floor like spiderman and start beating the ground as this fucker evades me like a ninja on meth. BAM BAM BAM and now I am screeching because I cannot kill it, have realized this in my head and assume it is going to go on the attack any moment.
Instead, it rushes into the closet just as my husband wakes up and is turning over to yell "WTF ARE YOU DOING YOU LUNATIC?!?!", ignoring him completely, of course, I begin now throwing every shoe of his and every piece of laundry on the floor to my rear, with no care what so ever, where it is landing, it's projection, it's launch power, NOTHING, all I know is something has to die and it has to die right this instant. I am screaming, throwing things, BAM BAM BAM with the shoe, yelling "FUCK YOU!!!", my husband is yelling at me "WTF IS GOING ON WHY ARE YOU THROWING MY SHOES, OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!" until thats it. I have officially lost it. Not my mind, the palmetto bug.
So I back up and wait with that shoe in my hand, head full of meds, zoned in like a trained and lethal killer, all while being yelled at for "losing my shit", for "launching all the shoes across the room", "onto the bed", "in the next room", I even "hoisted out" with one hand "the entire shoe rack" to toss "into the" adjacent "wall", but to me it is all just very quiet, far away sounding and nothing to attend to right this moment. I have answered to nothing , I have spoken no words to my husband or acknowledged he is even awake. This is not helping, I am sure, in hindsight.
Then I open the door and call upon the cats. Come cats. Come help your mother. They saunter in just happy to be IN the room but they know some shit has gone down, as there is a mine field of shoes and clothing. I shut off the light and steady myself on the bed waiting. Perched like a gargoyle. Still no replies to this mutilated face my husband is now making.
He is obviously irritated (probably traumatized), how could you do this, what is wrong with you, do you know you are a lunatic, you have lost your fucking mind its almost 2am, why are you still awake, have you taken medication, I want to choke the shit out of you right now, you know you are going to kill me one day. The usual, you know.
And then, almost immediately, the cats bum rushed the bastard out (fucking love those cats, we have mind meld). I again leap over my husband (him increasing vocal levels, screaming at me "again"), onto the floor, and with a mighty cry of "FUCK YOU!!!!" BAM BAM BAM, I totally ended that bugs life. I stood up prouder than a Lion and shook out my mane, sweat beading on my brow, moonlight shining in to illuminate my kill. There was silence in the room and the love of my life, I think his jaw was just sort of hanging open.
I instantly returned to total girl and cried and cried until he agreed to get up out of bed and remove the carcass, flush twice, wash your hands with soap and hot water (the OCD in me has to be fed for these things). And he was able to do this because he was wide awake at that point, thanks to Super Jules, Insane Wife of the New Millennium.
The next morning, looking at the carnage around the room I said to my loving husband, "Looks babes, I totally cleaned out your closet for you". Never ever have I before thought he might actually choke me but I am telling you now, I came damn close, DAMN CLOSE.
Can't WAIT to see what's in store for tonight.
Totally sure he is excited as well.