bathroom rules

Rule Number One: If I am around ANY bathroom and you happen to be around me and said bathroom because you or I are about to enter/exit, don’t ever fucking talk to me. Ever. It’s just weird. Let us just be invisible.

Rule Number Two: Don’t answer your cell phone in the bathroom. In fact, don't even bring it in there. When you talk at double volume in order to cover the sound of you urinating (or god only knows what else you do in there), it appears to me that you are shouting to yourself. Thats schizophrenic behavior, mate, and I might have to make a mental ward call.

Rule Number Three: If you are in charge of placing the water cooler somewhere in the office never put it near or in sight of the bathroom. This is just plain disgusting even though it seems to be the standard for water cooler placement committee everywhere I have ever worked. Gross. I don't want to drink that water and damn it, I am fucking dehydrating over here.

Rule Number Four: Bathroom time is alone time. We do not need buddies like we are in kindergarten; please do not ask me to escort you to the toilet.

Rule Number Five: Shut and lock the damn door. ALWAYS.

Let us never speak of these things again.