letters

To my Favorite Sushi Chef,
My mouth is tiny. Ok, that was a lie. My mouth is as large as a Mack truck. Your fucking rolls are still too big for me to eat sometimes. My cheeks should not look like I am a hamster storing. So I am speaking up for the little mouthed women on dates looking like an ass because of you. Stop chopping the rolls like we are all Linda Lovelace.
 Oh, and your head scarf doesn't match your happari. Do something about that my man. It would also be less creepy if you acknowledged my smile. I see you more than my mother.
Best Regards,
the wood rabbit

To my Favorite Egyptian Store Clerk,
I do not want to date you. Wooing me will never consist of giving me free fountain drinks. Maybe gas, but I never see you offer that shit up. Did you know I was 34? I am. None of my friends would ever want to work as a cashier here. They all stopped working in fast food joints and as dishwashers after college. I also think you should stop charging me different prices for the same item every time I come to your store. If crackers are $3.99 on Monday, inflation does not dictate they are $4.99 on Wednesday. You can still call me pretty though.
Best Regards,
the wood rabbit

To my Favorite Living Space,
It would be super cool if you learned how to clean yourself. I am not trying to coerce you in any sort of way; I understand the inanimate problem here. Im just sayin is all. We can overcome this together. It would be awesome times a panda.
I will be watching,
the wood rabbit

To my Favorite Kittencat,
You are a few short hops from going into Detox little miss. No more catnip for you. I will help you through the withdrawals, just retract the claws. Glass cannot be run through, lets stop banging our head into the door my love. I do dig on your back flips though. Practice that shit up circus cat, we can go on the road.
If you knock one more thing down off the table/mantle/dresser/nightstand/counter while looking directly at me and talking in your cute as fuck kittencat way I just may punch you in the head. Stop using my makeup brushes. Stay off the keyboard. 3am is not playtime. Meowing will not always get you your own way. Try and not scare guests by running Mach 5 across them. One last thing: Do not pounce me while I am masturbating. Not fucking cool. Not at all.
I fucking love you kitten,
the wood rabbit