ten new things to be freakishly scared of pretty much all the time

1. Walking by a small hook of some sort, that is near my head, and catching the hook on the outside corner of my eye, thus yanking my skull back hard and causing me to bleed profusely.

2. Driving and flicking my cigarette ash out of the window too hard, causing the cherry to pop off and hit dried gasoline on the outside of the car (because when I was filling the tank, it overflowed and I didn't clean it good enough), thus igniting a gas trail leading straight into my tank, exploding my car into tiny bits.

3. Stepping in a hole, while wearing heels, so unexpected and at the precise slant/depth that my foot literally cracks off at the ankle.

4. Drinking heavily in the pool, unaware that a storm has suddenly rolled in and fumbling, unable to get out of the water before lightning makes direct contact.

5. Burning my forearms badly on the edge of the oven door because for some reason the springs spontaneously reactivate causing it to close while I am attempting to pull a large pan out. Or panicking because I think it is about to happen, using my knees to stop the door from going back up, resulting in burning the fuck out of my knees/shins.

6. Disposing of trash in any dumpster and coming in visual contact with a dead body. Also, being shoved in a trunk when kidnapped and coming in physical contact with a dead body.

7. Meeting a random seller on Craigslist, who lives in a wealthy neighborhood, but is really a serial killer with a sound proof basement and three car wide I can take my time disposing of your vehicle and body garage.

8. My face being eaten off by any animal; the smaller the mouth, the worse the vision.

9. Shredding my knuckles or hand while grating cheese.

10. Falling into lava face first and not being able to yell because it might get in my mouth.

No comments:

Post a Comment