9.01.2010

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony)

I am the Director of Animal Acquisition at the Lincoln Park Zoo and also a Black Market Bengal Tiger Dealer.
I am HNIC (Head Nun in Charge) at the Mount Saint Mary's Convent and Academy in Nevada and also a well known cock sucker (literal) at the Moonlite BunnyRanch brothel.
I am running the EPA's Office of Policy, Economics, and Innovation and also a part-time logger and whaler who uses DDT in my vegetable garden and burns raw coal in my fireplace for heat.
I am elected to head Homeland Security and also getting my kicks selling stolen uranium to Russia and small children to Thailand.
I am the chief financial sponsor for PETA's "I'd Rather Go Naked" campaign and also funnel money into a chain of underground BBQ restaurants in Australia featuring endangered animals (I also vacation in a house made out of stuffed chinchillas) (I am also a vampire).

I find myself wanting to be the victim of some horribly embarrassing scandal. Busted for being in a really crazy position of power or intrigue, while maintaining another totally secret life just waiting to repulsively bust into the mainstream reporting stream for CNN and MSNBC; newscasters far and wide vomiting new developments as they unfold, the general public licking it up (vaguely aware of the pungent odor) like the nasty little rat dogs that they are.
My family can't leave their homes unless covered in sheets because of cameras. My children cry to the counselors at school about the medias invasion into their lives. My husband and I argue consistently, on the verge of divorce over broccoli spear edibility, the tension between us as thick as well-made flan. My mom can bawl her eyes out on Oprah's shoulder maintaining my total innocence while my Step-Dad is a guest on Dr. Phil's Erectile Dysfunction Treatment Show blaming his problems on my mothers fierce loyalty (he never liked me as a child and always thought I had a bit of 'the evil' in me).

Timeline to Tragedy: See her angelic elementary school photos and hear from those her knew her best (my cat's Veterinarian and my Gynecologist sitting close to each other on some White South Beach looking couch), next on Today. The Terrible Temptress: All secrets revealed and the underground scandal blown right open, on this very special edition of America's Most Wanted. Bitch Inside, a new reality TV series brought to you by MTv, where cameras follow Bunny around in the slammer watching her play dice and trade cigarettes for sexual favors.

Eventually my children disown me completely, one graduating magna cum laude from Harvard Medical School (and a raging alcoholic with more than 4 DWI's in the last year) while the other revolves between a life of public pharmaceutical addiction and Fundamentalist Bible Beating god worship (the prodigal child praying with Paul and Jan Crouch on TBN for the 8th time since "The Incident"). Then my husband decides, after a decade of being 'right by my side' during the varying court appeals and public statements, to finally leave me for a 24 year old, DDD, blonde who understands his deeper soul, fully supporting his steady recovery while on the road promoting his book "How She Did It". Then my mom says fuck it and kills herself, but it's really my Dad who loses it, couldn't take listening to her Zoloft Ambien Cocktail rants anymore and spikes her mashed potatoes with arsenic.

Nevermind.

I really find myself just wanting a Slurpee from 7-11.
Coca Cola. It's the only kind I really like.

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