triple bees

Bonkers. Confused Cat.
She meows at the empty bowl. She meows at the full bowl. She meows at the door, I open it, she meows again, I close it, guess what, she meows. She meows when I pet her, she meows when I don't pet her. She meows all day and night long for no reason at all unless she is trying to tell me someone fell down a well three years ago and I am still just not getting it. I find her frequently facing the corner looking up, waiting. She also sits at the backdoor which has windows, waiting. If you let her outside she heads straight for the dirt to roll (she is white). Indoors she prefers to snort catnip and lick tape, both of which send her into drunken PCP hysterics. And even then, yes, she meows.

Bask. Irritated I Am A Cat, Cat.
No food in the food dish means our dishes are catapulted off the counter. No water in the food bowl means all upright glasses of liquid are about to get knocked over. If she wants her litter box changed, she drags towels into it. When she climbs on you if feels like she is putting all her weight on four tiny sharp points each clocking in at a ton, even though the cat is barely 10lbs. If you pet her she will bite you, if you walk close to where she is perched, she will swipe at you, if you disturb her at all in any manner, you feel as though you have to watch your back. No really. I apologize to this cat more than my own mother. Pretty much every one who has ever met her claims she is either evil, scary, or looking at them funny, not in a funny ha ha way, funny in a Joe Pesci did you just call me a clown dig a hole in the desert kinda way. Every time I buy an avocado she goes apeshit, scrambling to find it, knocking it off the counter to maniacally start biting it; my cat eats fucking avocado like a monkey smokes crack (EDIT 1: I originally wrote 'like a fat woman eats bon bons' until I reread that and pictured a woman languidly popping bon bon after bon bon in her mouth, which is not at all like this cats pure adrenaline avocado rush) (SIDE NOTE 1: I almost edited 'like a monkey smokes crack' causing there to be an EDIT 2 because I indeed do not know of any monkey having ever smoked crack but the visual of one doing so, if it were to ever get its hands on crack, well that's priceless and therefore the reader will have to suspend reality and use his or her imagination with me, which is why we have SIDE NOTE 1 instead of EDIT 2, thanks for playing).

Bocs. Baby Cat.
I hate that fucking baby cat like I hate that fucking Houston.

I will never win.
Time for a cigarette break.
(if you click on the bunny, it smokes - Thanks Patrick)

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