i love them.

Anyone thinking about pissing in my cornflakes, I would have know, that I already ate a banana this morning. 
Ha. Foiled again, you bastards. As if. Cornflakes fucking suck.
Hubby has single-handedly turned my frown upside down - YAHOO!!!

My sweet little Cherub Rockin' Byproducts are in for a surprise today.
I got them Jack Johnson tickets for tonights show, surprise you lil' nutters, you ARE going (they really really really wanted to go).
Mother of the Fuckin' Year; which will last all of a week.
Actually, that's a lie. I wear that tiara, all day, every day and I work hard for it. They like me, loads. I like them, even more. I try to give them space and they fight to spend more time with me, not because we are "friends" and I allow them to do whatever it is they want but because I parent while still engaging and having fun. Kids have questions and if you are not going to spend the time digging the questions out and answering them, can you only imagine who is going to. They need guidance in making their own decisions, which for anyone with middle or high schoolers, is taking place right now, whether you want to believe it or not, time to wake up.

Their friends all come to our house and whine and moan about their moms and dads; the stories I have been told from the ponies mouths, oh my.
And then, sometimes, I get to listen to them tell me about how their moms and dads, whine and moan about me. This I find both amusing and sort of shitty. Even when I disagree with what a child is relaying to me about their parent (and I have been privy to some wack-o kinda stories), I always try to get them to see it from a parents perspective and guide back around to what the actual lesson is, rather than full-on throwing another parent or adult under the bus.
This is not the case in other households: I am just run over and then backed over, and then run over again.

Sometimes, I seriously hate other parents. HATE, you naive fucking idiots with your estranged teenagers, some already on the verge of suicide.

My oldest has three friends who are not allowed over to our house or to associate with her any longer outside of school. My youngest, has two.
All because of me.
Not Kidding.

One mom thinks my oldest daughter is anorexic and I am in total denial. She is worried this may rub off on her own daughter, mine a bad influence, bad bad bad. Part of the problem seems to be is that my kid actually makes educated eating choices and this bothers the other mom since she isn't shoving hostess cupcakes and candy into her pie hole 24/7 like her own wretched spawn. Mine prefers not to eat sugary substances after about 9pm and will sometimes choose to drink water over soda because she understands it helps flush her system out and keep her complexion clean. Another part of the problem surrounds a summertime conversation between several friends about exercising to make sure they didn't get fat - a common fear of many teens going through puberty, interested in boys. Even though the discussion was overly dramatic and full of "what ever will we do"'s, none of them were that serious, as clearly indicated when these summer exercise plans took a next day back seat to the reality of much greater needs like Facebook, texting, swimming in the pool and munching on pizza. Another mom jumped on the bandwagon of non-sight, after a "you won't believe what I overheard" phone call. They formed an alliance, gathered the torches and I was labeled the clueless retard.
I talked to my kiddo about her eating habits in and away from home, thinking, perhaps I do not know and she has me snowed; maybe they are starving themselves, taking diet pills on the sly and puking in their closets. She explained to me that the mom thinks she is anorexic because of the exercising conversation she overheard during a sleepover combined with my own child's sudden changed behavior. This happened after another conversation the mother was not privy to that evening. When at their house, my daughter revealed she purposely does not snack like she does at ours because during that same sleepover, she found out her friends mother lost her job a few months ago and does not have a lot of money. My daughter didn't want to eat all of her daughters snacks up causing the mom to make an un-budgeted trip to the grocery store; rather, she hoped by only eating what she was served for meals, she was able to pay the electricity bill which was late, yet again. Their lights had been shut off the prior month, she also learned that night, which her friend told her completely freaked her out to the point she began looking through the mothers bills and memorizing due dates paranoid they would soon be homeless.
In addition, and entirely unrelated, it might be noted, this friend of my daughters not only gets much lower grades (in her remedial classes), but authored the most descriptive guy on guy hard core porn short story I have ever had the privilege of reading, in or out of print, are YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, whatever you do, don't read your kids anything's unless you have Xanax IN YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH. I found this masterpiece, by accident, on the floor of the living room after kid "we have money for snacky-cakes but none for apples and bananas" stayed over. When I asked the byproduct about it, even she was shocked her friend was that... knowledgeable. "But, then again she does Google quite a bit when unsupervised and she is allowed on the computer all day," she replied with a shrug.
Yea. My kid's totally the bad influence.

One mom thinks I lack parenting skills. This is what she said to her kid. Parenting skills.
Her daughter thought it was actually a pretty funny joke and began telling me all sorts of the hypocritical things her mother says and does inside their home. A newly found member of the Speaking in Tongues, Laying of Hands, Healing Revival Shouting in the Aisles Jesus is Lord Church (and we won't even touch on the 20+ years experience I have inside of one of those), she believes I am totally wicked. And evil. It was reasoned because I do not make my daughter go to church (even though they both have always had the option and after many visits with friends, to many houses of worship, covering a variety of religions, have elected to believe what they believe in the privacy of their own homes where politics do not come into play - a theme they noticed everywhere they went) or well, make her go to HER church, which is the only church that has it right (right).
Make. That's funny.
So, newly saved bible beater mom, screams at the top of her lungs at her own daughter, who declared herself an Atheist a few years ago (during her mother's Wiccan period) continually telling her that she is going to burn in hell for all eternity for not giving her life to Christ. Her daughter thinks it is amusing considering just last year she was preaching to everyone who would listen about how all witches were completely misrepresented to others by uneducated, idiot Christians. She, of course, now believes all witches conjure Satan and drink goats blood, not because they do, but because her new pastor told her so. Sheep: Can you be more predictable?

And thats just two examples. Parents who smile with the facade of upper class charm and tea party graces, who in reality, keep their houses so filthy they have cockroaches in their refrigerators, hit their kids for asking simple questions, call them whores and a multitude of other horrible names, feed them a healthy diet of McDonald's Happy Meals/Candy daily (we won't get into my opinions on the steady methadone drip of Nickelodeon/Disney Channel poisoning your MeMeMe's minds with chocolate covered, strawberry scented advertising), take away their mattresses as punishment, allow them to smoke cigarettes like it is normal at age 12, buy them diaries then turn around and read them panicked about adolescent fascinations with the opposite sex, omfg, I cannot make this shit up, these kids reveal to me the worst picture of what goes on inside their own homes! ARG!!!

If you come over announced or unannounced, I might still be in my pajamas at 5pm reading a book, there may be some dishes in the sink, or you might hear a fuck come out of my mouth. My kids might be getting a speech about the dangers of trusting too much in their own government, they may be discussing with me the real effects of illicit drugs on your body (good and bad), or you may overhear some random talk about sex and condom use. I am not perfect by any means and I have made more mistakes than I would care to remember, but goddamn, WTF.
My kids tell and ask me about almost everything and although I am not naive enough to assume they are 100% truthful or revealing, that percentage is way up there.
Last night I had to answer questions about blow jobs, condoms, dental dams, STD contraction and masturbation. I also had to have a frank discussion about why a part time job at 15, that will only pay you minimum wage, is a huge waste of time and effort; one that should be focused on schooling and learning, or socializing, which is a skill just as necessary to learn as those taught in math, science and history class. College is not an option in our household, and neither is not using a condom; for both of my children, knock on wood, sex is still a few years off. I cannot say the same for the majority of their peers, prior to 8th grade a rather odd new standard I have been told.

You know, I am slightly bummed that my daughters have had to lose a few friendships because of parents who, in my opinion, have their heads buried deep in the sand but really, it's NMFP (Not My Fucking Problem). I only answer to my own two mini lunatics, who amuse, surprise and fascinate me with every passing day. I have only a few more years to produce good humans before they reach the age the law dictates they are responsible for their own choices and behavior.
And right now, I only give a crap about being able to tell them, thank you for being awesome kids, thank you for taking your school life seriously (both ended last year with 3.6 and 3.8 GPAs in honors and gifted courses), and most of all, thank you for letting me be your Mom; because as much as you might think it is your right to be a parent, it is your child's willingness to listen and really hear what you have to say gracing you with that highest of honors.

Or, well, maybe, I am just a bad fucking influence.
Either way, the shorties are seeing Jack tonight so - SCORE!!!

1 comment:

  1. The last laugh will be years from now when their kids are asking your kids if they'd like fries with that.

    And I'm jealous cause I had NO idea Jack Johnson was coming into town!