"Why were you late for work today?"
"Uh. Because I was mending my shirt."
I bought this shirt for 4.99 two weeks ago. The shirt is awesome by my standards, which means it is plain in color, fits and doesn't make me look fat (to myself, I might still look fat to other people but I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks. Total lie.). When I put this shirt on for the first time, I knew it was going to be one of "those" shirts, the kind I wore until it fell apart, the kind I passed out still wearing after a hard night of sex drugs and rock n roll, the kind I shoved deep into my vagina pre-coitus (anal sex, obviously. Half lie). This damn shirt, even at 4.99, should not have started falling apart within a day but fuck it naysayers, I am going to save this shirt with my bare hands, because if there is one thing I love to do, it is proving my worth post-apocalypse.
The problem area is a seam right below my right breast. Both materials on the separate panels are some sort of hybrid nylonish cottony something. It pulled apart not in the way one could simply sew it back together without having to remove the entire seam running the length of the shirt, then re-stitching on a machine. Uh, no. I didn't want to Frankenstein it, so hand sewing was out of the question too. My solution was stitch witchery magic. This invention is the mack daddy and the daddy mack. You place it between two pieces of cloth, heat with an iron, and WA LA, it acts as some sort of fantastical cloth glue. Problem here is that I didn't have two pieces of cloth to glue back together so much as I had a bunch of shredded fibers I needed to miracle into cloth again. Whatever: we shall overcome, we. shall. overcome. The seam that shredded is tiny, the material already pulled taut. So I figured, I might try and use the stitch witchery to bind it together by mimicking a layer of thinly applied glue to the back of the whole seam burst. Genius. Yes, thank you. I placed the two pieces of material together as close as I could get them, put a piece of the stitch witchery behind it and behind that, put a piece of wax paper. Be the glue. BE THE GLUE. Yes, this can work. This will TOTALLY work!
Iron. Heat. Wait. Inspect.
My shirt is now glued to the wax paper.
Flip the wax paper over?
One might say I had wasted half an hours worth of time, but I counter that by saying a scientist's time is NEVER wasted (I am not a scientist). My fingers are tacky, the iron is pretty much ruined, the shirt smells a little like burned but fuck all if I don't look totally awesome having done all this experimenting while: bare foot, topless, wearing jeans and also a very nice hat. FTW! All you really need sometimes is to just feel like a fucking badass. Aw yeah, fuck you post apocalyptic shirt, I still got my smile.
Looking like Michael Jackson on his tippy toes, I grabbed my hat, leaned my head back, looked to the sky, my other hand reached into the air, and summoning all the power of GreySkull: I turned back to the garment, issued a soft high pitch sound like "YEEEEE", took the seam, added more stitch witchery, SHAZAAM went my fingers as I smushed it together (!), BLAZE went the iron as I blasted heat in its general direction (!), WHAM, BAM, ZIP ZOW ZOOM!!
TAKE THAT HA HA!!
Inspect. Uh. Ok. Right.
My shirt looks worse than had I Frankenstein-ed it with needle and thread, yea, and probably a torch too, but I got a cool hat on, so I totally put the shirt on ANY WAY.
I am gonna wear this bitch till it falls off me and blows away on the wind, like a frail leaf. One day, if you happen to be staring at my right breast and see a fucked up seam, you would be meeting my post apocalyptic shirt. Say hi. Patches? You bet. Frankenstein stitches? Hell yea. Next week it might require a tracheotomy. I intend to give it a quadruple bypass when necessary. This shirt may outlive your children.
I love you 4.99 shirt.
There is not a god damn thing I won't ever do for you.
Other things that make me handy at the End of the World.
1. I know how to properly select, chop and split wood.
2. I have built many tree houses, forts, and shelters from found material.
3. I have little morals, so killing in the name of defense or food is A-OK with me, pass the hammer boss.
4. I can catch, clean, and cook fish.
5. I know how to filter and sanitize water.
6A. I can sew cloth (+).
6B. Blood, guts, ooze and burns don't bother me, so if I needed to, I could probably sew your skin (double +).
7. I have teeth like a beaver.
8. My skin seeps a high caloric sugary substance.
9. I breathe fire, so we wouldn't ever have to worry about starting one by rubbing sticks together FUCK THAT I'LL COOK UP OUR MEAT AND KEEP US SAFE FROM BEARS!