I try hard not to think about it (lies) because no matter how much I am aware of it climbing, peaking, plummeting, it never seems to be any different. Knowing is not half the battle, Joe. It's not even 25%.
In the month or so since I have been engaged (I am recently engaged), I have changed my mind about what/how/where/when we are getting married at least ten times. I have gone from private ceremony, to full blown catered wedding, to eloping, to family vacation/wedding, to a red eye Vegas flight and Elvis (which is the only option nixed completely as I cannot take seriously what was made legally binding by a man with muttonchops in a polyester bedazzled jumpsuit). Each time I am SURE this is the way to go and giddy happy with anticipation. Kisses, kisses, kisses. I start planning all details over again, resetting dates and locations, calling around, telling friends and family. Then I stop, panic that its the wrong way to get married, get paranoid, cry, jumble it all up like a pile of legos, rearrange, and slowly build everything back from the wrecking ball just brought through. Rinse, repeat.
Bridezilla comes to mind as I am surely not the only bride-to-be who has this sort of back and forth, except for, this back and forth, isn't confined to wedding plans. It just is. Semi-normal.
Decision making is drawn out three streets short of infinity. It is very stressful for me to make decisions (too much analyzing) so I tend to make them on the fly (or let others steer the train) which is why I appear to friends and family to live by the seat of my pants yet remain largely indecisive. Terminally compulsive out of necessity to get something (anything) accomplished.
EX: Should I work on creating this brochure or hang out and play records? I cannot decide and won't, it will usually be dictated by someone else, until I have no choice because the brochure is due tomorrow, having had make no real decision over the past few days other than "I will create the brochure". I do best when told what to do (don't tell me what to do).
I do not order new things off menus at places I have been to before; if you name a restaurant I have eaten at, I already know what it is I eat there. Forever.
Editing like I have a gun pointed to the base of my skull, Yahoooooooooooooo....
I never said it made sense.
Maybe it is just my time management that sucks ass - except for I am awesome when it comes to planning, organizing and carrying out events (300+ people in attendance).
The core position never changes once a decision is made in scenarios such as, "Yes, I would love to marry you" or "Of course, I would love to go see a movie" or "Awesome, we should definitely hang out sometime soon". The details are just... harder. Yes?
If I am given the option to have it any way I want... well; I am confused.
Functioning is more complicated then I let on.
Depending on what day you talk to me, of course.
So, here I am causing intracranial hemorrhaging in others.
Again.
I know.
I mean, I didn't know until it was pointed out to me.
Maybe I am just fucking annoying. I am pretty sure I am fucking annoying.
Fuck it. I can't decide. Too much thinking. Time for lunch - Hope someone knows where we are going.
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