[END: Tiger Brand Coffee Advert]
I traded the Bug in; bye bye Bug. You were cute but all the cute in the world couldn't put Humpty back together again and fuck if you didn't even fall off a goddamn wall.
For Review: VW Bug-o-licious vs. New Car.
Paid 900.00 into fixing your airbag wires which honestly wouldn't have mattered upon potential impact considering your top was made of cloth.
Paid 250.00 for a front headlamp compartment thingy which never solved the problem of keeping your bulb from shorting out.
Paid xx.xx for endless supply of headlight bulbs.
Paid 100.00 for someone to install a new battery after purchasing said battery and realizing you had to be a mathematician/contortionist with specially crafted tools from Saturn to even get to the fucking compartment.
Paid xx.xx for endless supply of rear light bulbs, after realizing second short would most likely still occur after fixing compartment thingy, so, yea, NO.
Did not pay 250.00 for rear light bulb compartment thingy.
Did not pay 500.00 for axle cover rubberstuffs on front wheels, completely disintegrated, or torn apart by chupacabras, there is still a debate on that one.
Broken item A. rear ashtray, which pops out at will from housing.
Broken item B. Passenger seat which has no handle allowing seat to move forward and cranky kid in rear seat out of car.
Broken item C. 6 Disc CD player in trunk, of which I could never figure out how to make play the 6th disc, no discs exiting the player after a year of ownership. Fuck you for eating my Modest Mouse, New Order, St. Pepper and Eels CDs.
Broken item D. Tape player. Orlando radio listening - overloaded with high fructose corn syrup and infected with herpes.
Straw that broke the camels back: Convertible top. The back window began separating from the top, no other top issues, rain stays out, working motor, hooray hurray. Silly me assumed, fix the window, right? 3000.00 new top VW says.
My little car - so lovely, so bright, so happy, so cute, so giggly, so fucking bent and broken and beat like a two dollar hooker on crack.... had only 53,000 miles on it.
Lick meeeeee. All of yooooooou.
2010 Dark Blue Hyundai Santa Fe with 12 miles on it, enough warranties to cover health care expenses and funeral arrangements for any bird that shits on it and if one of us looses our job inside of 12 months, we can turn the car back in, no penalties, nothing, nada, thank you for doing business with us, hand job to the left on the way out, please come again.
So yea, after 25 signatures and a whole lotta paperwork, you can call me Linda Lovelace, cause holy shit am going to feel like a lil' baby cow after this month where's my teet.