Good luck, callers.

It's no secret that I hate talking on the phone. At least to anyone who has ever tried to get ahold of me. It doesn't matter who you are, if you call and its one of those days (it is one of those days 92% of the time) you are going straight to voice mail. Oh, and I keep the phone near me, I know you have called, and I care, I think it is wonderful, I just don't really feel the need to actually answer the call. I have an unnatural force preventing me from picking up the phone. As a result of the mental glitch, most of my phone calls (from very smart friends and family) come on my husband or children's phones because they always answer and have now become accustomed to passing off the call. Now what is weird (nothing is weird) is that I do NOT mind taking calls on anyone else's phone. If handed a phone, I will talk. Easy as pie.
I have not figured out what the pattern is or what parameters make a call a successful one through my actual phone. But you know, I am calculating. And as soon as I have it figured, I will give everyone the key.
Then promptly fuck all the rules up so there is another mystery for you to solve. Sorry.

Even worse, is that my voice mail is never checked. Ever. Potential callers should probably know this and I am considering changing my greeting message to reflect kindly, that no matter what is said, it will never ever find it's way to my ears. I wait until the message box fills up and no more messages can be left; usually alerted angrily by a friend who tells me this after haven taken a call on someone else's phone. A month is then allowed to pass, and after no one has been able to leave another message and the messages that have been left no longer matter in a current event sort of way, I delete everything. New phone calls I continue not answer, they go straight to the empty voice mail box and it starts filling up again, unchecked, totally ignored. The process repeats and I steadily increase how difficult it is to get a hold of me.

Texts I answer right away.
Well.
Unless, I have hidden the phone.

*shrug*
Nevermind.