how cocksucking saved the world

I watched this completely depressing movie last night called The Road.
This morning (ugh), sans coffee (whoa now), I have a few thoughts (Cheesus, help us).

The set up:
Earth is dying. Meh. That's optimistic. Earth, is dead.
Ash and dust everywhere.
No trees, no animals, minimal humans.
Barely any sun - it rains but probably toxic enough you shouldn't drink the water (but you will).
It's been like this for five years.
You are alive. Lucky you; Darwin is impressed I am sure.
McDonald's, if they were still serving, would only now be considered, food.
But they aren't, and you are starving. Total bummer.

So, in a complete wasteland, let's not waste.

Bugs (if there are any) will be eaten. Got that.
If you happen to find canned food anywhere: conserve. Never indulge. You cannot fill your belly with spam, canned peaches and gatorade if in the last month you only ingested three crickets, a few grains of wheat and a little acid rain. If you jerk it up anyway and puke, that's still food. Bag it up for later. Midnight snack.
One thing the 2010 Haitian earthquake taught me is that you can actually survive by eating dirt. Learn to make mud pies, silly. Microorganisms might keep your ass alive.

Head to the coast and then move south. Everything is better in the south.
If there is a chance in hell of plant growth, it isn't going to happen in the tundra.
Ducks are smart creatures. Be a duck. GO SOUTH.

Items at the top of your list to scavenge for along your journey:
Wagon or cart.
Blanket. Pillow (no need to be unreasonably uncomfortable now).
A good pair of boots and several pairs of socks. One change of clothes.
Toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash. Good oral hygiene is good.
Scissors. Can Opener. Knife. Fork. Spoon. Container to hold water.
Plastic bags. Duct tape. Fishing line. Hook.
Crossbow and arrows. If you cannot find this because you are outside of a city, then at night when you are lying fireside wishing you had a dirty martini extra olives, make some spears. Make something pointy. Learn to be stabby. You have to have a weapon and let's face it, guns run out of bullets.
If you find a book, pick it up, man. Read something. Disappear for a moment because when you wake back up it's still gonna be hunting for cockroaches and evading scavengers looking at you like a side of beef.
If a member of your party happens to die, yea, hate to break it to you but thats meat. Make a fire, smoke it up. Jerky will last you for awhile.
Use the stomach, blow it up, make a ball. Relax after your full belly of flesh with a nice game of volleyball. Or soccer.

This is all assuming that you are male.
If you are female, you probably committed suicide the moment there were no more tampons, Midol, and Whiskey to be had.
Or someone killed you. Which is probably a more likely scenario. You bitched and then someone put an axe in your skull.
Or someone keeps impregnating you and harvesting the baby/placenta for food.
Actually, this is not a half bad idea. Mental Note: Taken.

They call me Genius.
(nobody calls you that)

Revision 1.
Upon actual discussion concerning pregnancy + baby as a viable food source a revision had to be made.
Other peoples babies would be better to eat; too much energy is spent producing a baby, even if passed early.
The placenta wouldn't be calorically worth as much as previously assumed.
Plus, there is the whole pain factor and that just makes life even more shitty for women.

Revision 2.
Addition discussions have discovered semen as an alternative and easily renewable food source.
You could also use blow-jobs as a tool to get out of bad situations you find yourself in.
Add item to scavenge for: Chapstick/Vaseline.


  1. I haven't seen the Road yet, but I still want to despite knowing it's as bleak as it gets. It's still entirely plausible. Yeah I laugh as I read this, but if something did happen to bring about this dystopian state of affairs, I might do well to remember this post.
    I feel so much more valuable now after revision 2. The future isn't so bleak after all. Least ways not for guys...

    Besides, it even comes in a handy dispenser!
    Ba-dum bum tsh!

  2. If two people were starving to death, male and female, would the male expire quicker if the female was giving him blow-jobs thus leeching his system of nutrients and adding to her own?

    I should take an (less than) official poll.

  3. I fucking love you. (I vote YES... the male would expire quicker with all of his nutrients drained... then the girlies can eat the handy dispenser. SCORE!)